Approaching The Unknown 2

by muhammad ayman

Listen during reading
Dear Friend,
How are you ? What have you been doing recently ? anything unusual ? I’m quite curious to know how you’re preparing for the next semester; did you read anything during the summer vacation  relating to your subject of interest or just hanging around your bed reading comic books like me during finals,I candidly hope you’re doing great as always.
I’ve been really busy lately-well,doing nothing- I took an online course about special relativity presented by the mighty BRIAN GREENE but haven’t finished it yet because you know… I also read more about Evolution and the Big Bang and watched a lot of documentaries which turned out to be the only path to my relief on the internet,like I often feel that I could inhale the goodness of it.By the way you should watch Cosmos which was originally created by the one and only Carl Sagan or just watch the new series with its all new effects,splendid design,and perfect direction created by Neil Tyson; I’m sure you’ll love it and maybe ask for more.
I have nearly a month before I get back to school,a month ? Yeah,I wondered where the rest of the vacation went; but it’s okay I had the chance to travel to Bonn or Bremen and stay by one of my friends there for a week or so, the problem is I refused kindly and wished that I’d do it in the Weihnachten or the next summer though, why ? I still think that I wanna find myself, for I regrettably lost it again when I’m also sure that travelling even to a not-so-for city is my usual approach to discover what I’ve lost, should do,and what I’m up to.
I’d like to portray for you some funny incidents happened to me last week.First it began when I called my mom as I do almost daily in vacation but this time went like this:
“Mom, I made it and passed the whole year and it’s just two years till graduation”I screamed happily.
” Well, great” Mom replied.
*another day*
“My first scientific article as a reviser was published yesterday” I screamed excitingly again
“Well, good for you” Mom replied
*totally another day*
Mom, I learned how to make Lasagna and mine turned out to be better than your bechamel” I said.”macaroni 😛
“.What? How? When? Tell me now how you did it” She exclaimed
” .But mom,you’re a dermatologist can’t you be more enthusiast for science” ? I wondered
” .ok,tell me about your article” She replied
It’s about string theory , remember the theory I unfolded for you weeks ago about other hidden” “dimensions,it’s now back aga….
” I can’t be more interested in your story , but isn’t this based on the screenplay of Stranger Things” ?She asked.
Lol Yes,but it’s different; because you know how the upside-down was being fla…you know what it’s “”not different at all
So yeah,mom always wins.
I’d like to tell you all about the weird dreams I’m having this week but unfortunately I’m not Hemingway so be merciful with my less expressive and descriptive words; I was never a writer after all,although I love to narrate. So there’s this dream I had three days ago about me being in a spacecraft taking me with a group of people into the outer space and then back home to mother Earth .What is unique about that dream is that I can perfectly describe it as if it really happened;and it’s a possibility that I think so,because to be honest I experience weird daydreams every day and I know by the end of them that they were not real but this time I don’t feel like I went somewhere else  I actually went into space and it definitely happened believe me or not, it did. I’ve never thought it would be this dark -or maybe it was because dreams are often black and white or I’m probably colorblind in my limbo- and so simple that I’m literally considering giving up my childhood dream of becoming an astronaut because I’ve just had the whole experience, in addition to taking into account including it in my resume.Well, why not?
Those kind of dreams are not spontaneously created in my subconsciousness, they are primitive signs saying that I’m finally on my way to losing my mind and descending to madness ,believe it or not I used to put my head on my pillow or any part of the bed at anytime of the day and would be fully unconscious in a few minutes and now ? I’ve not slept in a couple of days because every time I try to close my eyes and not let my mind catch a thread to think of I feel my heart crying not weeping but outcrying and as it eventually turned out it has several reasons to do so. Hold on, I don’t believe that the heart has nothing to do with thinking or feeling I’m just saying it’s experiencing what occurs to the mind as a normal organ in the human body.It aches me every minute that I can’t even express my feelings properly without encountering the worst of the deepest kind of guilt; the one based on nothing but following tradition and I don’t like to live as a secret my whole life. My heart is being filled with something I still don’t know and it’s not related to love,on the contrary it’s more bitterness and self loathing; perhaps because my mind is now convinced that I’ve put myself on a nowhere-to-go way where I’ve got nothing to seek and struggle reaching the finish line for but my bare feelings which could be based on my vivid imagination or someone else’s empathy or fear that I’d get my heart broken when I actually believe that I wouldn’t because I didn’t take my attachment bills to say “I can’t live without something” instead I think the statement should be more explicit about the real definitions of love and life which could be corrected into “I can live without something,but I don’t want to” It’s only a choice and decision after all , I don’t know if I could wait years and then find out that it was for nothing and as I said imaginary thoughts , I was originally where I am now for me taking a decision before to jump the cliff, put an end to my half measures-or as Bukowski says”if you’re going to try,go all the way, otherwise don’t even start”- and finally open the Schroedinger’s box where I’m now stuck.
It could be me being the king of the drama queens and at the same time I could be terribly suffering; I no longer know and what I fear I no longer care ending up in a place made for people who lost their minds for living on a promise never been made or…
I hope you understand my friend,I know you would.
By the way my sweet friend , I’m having an old mate soon for a couple-of-days stay and maybe I’ll visit him next week if I changed my mind.
Best regards and lots of love,
Not Charlie.
“It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done!”