The L Word

by muhammad ayman

Dear friend,
Is everything alright? Did you miss my writing as I miss you? Were you waiting for my letter? I wish I could check up on you every day and night without seeming too attached and without making the conversation between us get to the point where it’s formal and boring. I can’t stop asking myself how are you doing right now, I can’t stop provoking your serenity either. I know you’d understand what I’m trying to say.
This week was merely a disaster especially for my circadian clock; I could give my weekly assignments on time -Thank God- but it took me days to finish them, that’s how my week usually looks like though. We’re having Monday as an extra weekend because it’s a national holiday of the state where I live. I hope I could use it well to get myself straight in school, I know I won’t.
Two days ago we had an annular party I didn’t go to last year because I preferred to sleep instead,I love my bed. We ought to climb on an empty barrel-because the party is called “Fassfete” which means barrel-party- in front of the whole college students undergrad and postgrad then introduce ourselves, say anything special about ourselves and sing from the “Phibel” which is the bible but for physics students, it has special funny songs and poems about physics. I was quite nervous because I didn’t know most of the attendants owing to the fact that my colleagues and friends from other years were few compared to postgrad students and professors who were filling the seats everywhere. I did introduce myself, ran something funny about living in front of the pyramids and loving classical music then I asked them I would sing from Beethoven’s ninth symphony instead of the Phibel songs from which I don’t know their rhymes whilst I can never forget “An die Freude” as I went to the Cairo opera three years ago where I  got to watch and listen to the beauty of it,live. They sang along, I think I was good despite my sincere belief that I sounded a little goofy because I never sang it for anyone except myself in the shower. They applauded then I got question about living in Greifswald and if I’m willing to drink bier that night because the party was almost nothing but a pub; I said although I never had , I would but only the not-alcoholic bier and laughed then left the stage to get my first light-bier which my friend told me it doesn’t taste well and that’s why he doesn’t drink bier while him being against alcohol as well. I didn’t like it as expected and asked why they keep refilling their glasses-from the alcoholic barrel when it’s not so good or sweet as I expected; they answered:”when you get to finish your bottle you’d understand”. I did, then went for my second and third bottle and realized they were right it’s like light tasteless coke. I used to like Fairouz-not the singer, I like her too- which is light bier with fruit tastes and I think it’s the same with not being able to hand the bottle down. The party was really good I like enjoying the German folklore without breaking what I believe in. I assured myself for the third time that my presentation skills are way better in German than in English or even in Arabic.
It’s fine to have company, for a night. You know, I thought about what I said last week when it turned out I completely misinterpreted and prejudged my feelings. I was wrong. It’s not slipping away, au contraire, it has never been going so deeply, never. Maybe it’s finally reached what Osho said about the L word, maybe I’m just fantasizing and hoping that my affection is growing even more with more time and distance between us. But what if it does? does it mean when we eventually get together someday we’d not have anything to talk about? Would we lose the spark-at least the one I’m feeling- which is why I’m still writing? Would we?
A moment of confrontation. I’m 21 years old. I don’t fear anything, and I mean anything, even God; whereas my love for him is so strong that I can’t picture him as a source of horror and I’m still working on that matter. I mentioned my non existing fears because people often tend to fear the absence of things; most of humans are scared of darkness when we all know it’s just a place where no source of light, they get terrified imagining ghosts when we also know there’re no such thing.I can’t fear the absence of God, he’s always there. I discovered I was totally insecure last month, maybe I only have that one fear or at least I was anxious about it, that someday you, my friend, are going to say” I’m sorry, I should leave” that’s why I kept asking and wondering if there’ll be such an incident so that I could prevent it somehow, at least that’s what I deduced from my disturbing letters and misunderstanding yours, at least that’s what I could conceive from the last week. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to say that I hope that you never leave and unless you won’t this is not it, I hope my fear doesn’t come true one day either.
Love always,