مِن بِلَاد الفرنجة

unleash a monster or die slowly

Green

Green
I’m ill
Mean
Words don’t anymore

Why do you care?
If I lived in despair
Sleep
I’m calling the drugstore

A key
You have more than three
Remember?
Don’t play smart there’s no back door

Would you open it?
Please, you still can quit
WOULD YOU?
I’m waiting, it’s the first dark floor

Play
Don’t
It’s boring
The bell is not my heart you look for

I’m coming
Just say it
Again?
You’ve never said it before

There
Are you?
Calling
You do seem to ignore

What do you want?
Don’t say it
Simple
‘I don’t know’ is valid nevermore

That’s not the end
You should see
Syllables?
That’s not poetry, therefore

Choose, I won’t cry
I’m not a child so rejoice
You know what?
I don’t like this game anymore

Kitschig

Autumn is here. People don’t like it as much as they like spending summer on beaches and partying thee whole vacation or as they like winter with its romantic chilling and cozy warming under blankets  escaping the cold breeze of the beautiful rain outside their rooms. Autumn is overlooked. It comes while school is taking off a new semester and everybody is really too busy to focus on how special autumn is; and when they do it’ll be already winter. I’ve always thought it is poetry season, it felt so.
None of my ‘other’ friends or siblings like to read poetry but my closest one but not as frequent as I’d like to do, they think it’s cheesy or as we call it here “kitschig”. When they say so I know they’ve never read poetry, listened to Tom O’Bedlam reading poetry, or at least knew a poet for once in their whole miserable life. I know one personally who is also my favorite writer- if I am to choose one- and it’s overwhelmingly relieving the fact that we live on the same planet breath in the same oxygen molecules and look at the same sky every day and every night. I’ve always been different that my relatives and… actually everyone I knew. Everyone is they just haven’t recognized it yet, and maybe never will. Let’s not mention those friends who sign up for goodreads and add one or a couple of books to their bookshelves then never log in again. I hate that. There are too many people who do this but not as many as those weirdos. It’s even weirder to talk about it but people who were colleagues to whom I’ve never talked keep sending me messages asking me about ways to learn German and how could I so fast be so fluent when in fact I crossed half way to the top by self-learning. I bought a book called “Lingua” which my German high school teacher recommended to me and also is hard to find then spent my first semester break from the first year in my former college learning and reading to myself for a month and after that I took a course when there weren’t so many people there but I’ve already been in the upper intermediate level which cut the time I needed to finish courses and now people here get surprised that my language is as good as my mother language in less than a year, they don’t know what I’ve been through in this 12 month period when I was registered at school at the same time. Speaking of poems I read a book three days ago written by Rumi, I don’t know why I didn’t share my thought of it till now. It was beautiful and comforting that I’m not the only one who experiences the same deep feelings about someone that the poet wrote a whole book just to say to someone how his life was changed by his touch. A lovely poem from the book Where I felt every word he drew-yes, words don’t get expired even by the death of the writer or to whom he wrote- Rumi’s poem. Here’s to poetry and the prettiest and most delightful person who ever lived, you.

Don’t doubt it for a lonely moment. I will always be here.
tumblr_m3wgtbfzi51rw17odo1_500

Keep Scrolling

A compilation of words.
Well, nothing.
Who cares?
Feel free.
This is not me.
You know I don’t want to be.
It’s okay.
The Atmosphere is not a perfume,oh that’s Whitman’s.
Almost three years.
Years?
Time.
So little time.
Like the past?
Feel free.
I can’t see the future.
I wish.
Words again.
Books.
Schools and libraries are full of books.
Pages.
Papers.
Woods.
The forest is crowded with books.
Exasperated verdant leaves.
I’m drained too.
Bed?
I walk again and think.
Alone.
Trying.
Alone.
Oh, the moon is up.
There’s Venus too, or I hope so.
Friends.
Lovers.
Friends and lovers.
Feel free.
A cup of tea.
Blanket.
Cushion.
Tears.
This is Twain’s ideal life.
How is life treating you?
Feel free.
Like the stars.
Well, the light of the dead.
There’s this one that keeps flashing.
Blinking.
Dying.
Probably.
I’m only her sister’s dust.
What should I do?
Light years.
Convergence.
Ocean of galaxies apart.
I’m not a prince I can’t save myself.
A lot I’m not.
Eloquent, patient, nor Darcy.
Feel free.
This is me.

Birdman or (How I Learned to Stop Meditating and Love the Bullet)

Ich möchte damit beginnen, etwas wichtiges zu erwähnen, dass es nicht mein erstes Mal ist, in dem ich einen Film von dem Trailer beurteile und danach meiner Meinung nach zurückziehe. Beispielweise kann ich mich daran erinnern, wenn ich sagte: “The Lord of the rings ist auf jeden falls die schlimmste Trilogie ” aber dann hab ich sie nochmal angeschaut und Schritt für Schritt mit jeder Folge meinen schwächlichen Vorurteil zu einer großgeweckten Bewunderung geändert. Das war ja so ähnlich mit Birdman, weil wenn es am Anfang des Jahres 2015 angekommen ist, hat ein Freund von mir-eigentlich der engste- ihn im Kino zugeschaut und mir einen kleinen Tipp angegeben, den Film nicht zuzusehen, und darauf hingewiesen, dass es meine Zeit und Interesse nicht verdient.Um ehrlich zu sein, haben wir uns entschlossen, dass es im letzten Jahr keine gute Filmen außer MadMax gab, trotzdem hat Birdman schon mehrere Academy Awards gewonnen, deswegen war es mir so komisch; wie kann es so schlecht und kitschig sein ,darüber hinaus er zum Kotzen ist und gewinnt in aller Festivalen ? aber mein innere Gefühl, dass es nur übertreiben war, hat mich ihn vor drei Tagen zu schauen gezwungen. Das größte Problem war ich wusste, dass der Regisseur Alejandro war, der bei The Revenant Regie geführt hat, der mir der schlechteste Film von DiCaprio war, obwohl Hardy sehr geil und stark geschauspielt hat.
*Spoiler Alert*
Der Film beginnt und endet mit zwei der besten Szenen, die ich jemals zugeschaut habe. Dort lässt Keaton-der einer der besten Batmen war-sich an der Luft schweben und am ende mit seinem eigenen Pistole auf dem Kopf schiesst (ja, das galte mir das Ende nicht mit dem sogennanten Fenster-Flug-Ende . Du kannst so einfach fühlen, dass er nicht zum ersten Mal schauspielt, sondern fählt dir sehr schnell auf : “WOW, das ist krass, solcher Schauspieler hab ich niemals gesehen”
Von Konzentration, Meditation, Disziplin, Selbstverachtung, und Ahnungslosigkeit zu der Situation, wo man nicht kleckert, sondern klotzt.Wo man sagt, ich weiß es was ich will, ich brauche nix zu machen, außer anhand meines Sinnes alles bewegen und unter Kontrolle legen , um meine Ziele zu verwirklichen. Ich brauchte das, besonders in dieser Woche, weil ich verschiedene Probleme mit meiner verletzte Seele und letzte Entscheidungen hatte und möchte nicht Freude sondern Frieden mit meinem Leben haben und obwohl ich fuer Jahren Yoga und Meditation getan habe, waere es mir nichts mehr als temporaer Medikament, wo Schwimmen und Radfahren mir mehr beduteten. Somit hab ich meinen Fahrrad für einen Ausflug mitgenommen und sind wir beiden durch den Wald in Eldena für den erst ganzen Tag in dem Opferfest gelaufen , obwohl es so schwer mit einem Rad in dem Wald zu bewegen ist und die meiste Leute, die ich dort immer sehe, sind zu Fuß ,aber das hab mich nicht weiterzufahren aufgehört . Einerseits hab ich für fast 3 Stunden dort durchgerannt ,bis zum der Müdigkeit meiner Muskeln, andererseits fände ich mich an dem Ende des Wegs, wo ich nur zwei Möglichkeiten hatte, entweder zurückfahren oder nicht an dem vorgerichteten Weg sondern durch das Gras und Pflanzen zu fuß spazierengehen ,bis ich eine Abkürzung oder Verknüpfung finde und danach weiter den Wald erkunden . Leider hab ich mich für eine Stunde verloren. Hundmüde, seht schwierig geschwitzt, ohne Wasser-eigentlich hatte ich Döner und Coca aber dachte es wird so gefährlich um sie zu essen in dem Wald es gibt ja so viele Wildtieren da,richtig ?-, niemand in der Nähe , bin wie Alexander sagte :”finally into the wild”

img_0042

Fahrrad des Jahres

img_0046

Durch den Wald

img_0052

Verloren !

img_0057

noch verloren

img_0059

noch verloren

 

img_0056

Ende des Verlieren

img_0060

Noch Kloster

img_0062

Eldene Kloster

Nachdem ich mich schließlich an dem Weg nochmal brachte, ist es mir angekommen, den Satz von
Slocum :“I had already found that it was not good to be alone, and so made companionship with what there was around me, sometimes with the universe and sometimes with my own insignificant self; but my books were always my friends, let fail all else.” und zum Gluck hab ich das buch von Salinger in meiner Rücksak mitgebracht aber trotzdem nur einige Seiten gelesen, weil es etwa spät war und ich wollte nicht da übernachten.
Am Ende bin ich zu dem Kloster Eldena gengenen und danach an dem Ostsee angekommen, um den Sonnenuntergang zu schauen und meinen Mittagsessen haben.
IMG_0087.JPG
Eigentlich wollte ich so viel darüber schreiben und noch mehr wie der Film mich tief beeinflusst hat aber wahrscheinlich an einem anderen Tag nicht an dieser Nacht. Wesentlich ist es so lustig, weil ich vorgestern dieses Blog mitteilen wollte aber bedauerlicherweise war es BatmanDay und gestern hat ich keinen Spaß, um Informationen hinzufügen, warum ich uber Birdman nach dem Tag des Batmans schreiben sollte und infolge den seltsamen Zufall begründen.
Drei witzige Tage, etwa hab ich heute das Comic-buch The Sandman von Gaiman weiter gelesen und zufällig diese Platte gefunden.Untitled.png

Approaching The Unknown 2

Listen during reading
Dear Friend,
How are you ? What have you been doing recently ? anything unusual ? I’m quite curious to know how you’re preparing for the next semester; did you read anything during the summer vacation  relating to your subject of interest or just hanging around your bed reading comic books like me during finals,I candidly hope you’re doing great as always.
I’ve been really busy lately-well,doing nothing- I took an online course about special relativity presented by the mighty BRIAN GREENE but haven’t finished it yet because you know… I also read more about Evolution and the Big Bang and watched a lot of documentaries which turned out to be the only path to my relief on the internet,like I often feel that I could inhale the goodness of it.By the way you should watch Cosmos which was originally created by the one and only Carl Sagan or just watch the new series with its all new effects,splendid design,and perfect direction created by Neil Tyson; I’m sure you’ll love it and maybe ask for more.
I have nearly a month before I get back to school,a month ? Yeah,I wondered where the rest of the vacation went; but it’s okay I had the chance to travel to Bonn or Bremen and stay by one of my friends there for a week or so, the problem is I refused kindly and wished that I’d do it in the Weihnachten or the next summer though, why ? I still think that I wanna find myself, for I regrettably lost it again when I’m also sure that travelling even to a not-so-for city is my usual approach to discover what I’ve lost, should do,and what I’m up to.
I’d like to portray for you some funny incidents happened to me last week.First it began when I called my mom as I do almost daily in vacation but this time went like this:
“Mom, I made it and passed the whole year and it’s just two years till graduation”I screamed happily.
” Well, great” Mom replied.
*another day*
“My first scientific article as a reviser was published yesterday” I screamed excitingly again
“Well, good for you” Mom replied
*totally another day*
Mom, I learned how to make Lasagna and mine turned out to be better than your bechamel” I said.”macaroni 😛
“.What? How? When? Tell me now how you did it” She exclaimed
” .But mom,you’re a dermatologist can’t you be more enthusiast for science” ? I wondered
” .ok,tell me about your article” She replied
It’s about string theory , remember the theory I unfolded for you weeks ago about other hidden” “dimensions,it’s now back aga….
” I can’t be more interested in your story , but isn’t this based on the screenplay of Stranger Things” ?She asked.
Lol Yes,but it’s different; because you know how the upside-down was being fla…you know what it’s “”not different at all
So yeah,mom always wins.
I’d like to tell you all about the weird dreams I’m having this week but unfortunately I’m not Hemingway so be merciful with my less expressive and descriptive words; I was never a writer after all,although I love to narrate. So there’s this dream I had three days ago about me being in a spacecraft taking me with a group of people into the outer space and then back home to mother Earth .What is unique about that dream is that I can perfectly describe it as if it really happened;and it’s a possibility that I think so,because to be honest I experience weird daydreams every day and I know by the end of them that they were not real but this time I don’t feel like I went somewhere else  I actually went into space and it definitely happened believe me or not, it did. I’ve never thought it would be this dark -or maybe it was because dreams are often black and white or I’m probably colorblind in my limbo- and so simple that I’m literally considering giving up my childhood dream of becoming an astronaut because I’ve just had the whole experience, in addition to taking into account including it in my resume.Well, why not?
Those kind of dreams are not spontaneously created in my subconsciousness, they are primitive signs saying that I’m finally on my way to losing my mind and descending to madness ,believe it or not I used to put my head on my pillow or any part of the bed at anytime of the day and would be fully unconscious in a few minutes and now ? I’ve not slept in a couple of days because every time I try to close my eyes and not let my mind catch a thread to think of I feel my heart crying not weeping but outcrying and as it eventually turned out it has several reasons to do so. Hold on, I don’t believe that the heart has nothing to do with thinking or feeling I’m just saying it’s experiencing what occurs to the mind as a normal organ in the human body.It aches me every minute that I can’t even express my feelings properly without encountering the worst of the deepest kind of guilt; the one based on nothing but following tradition and I don’t like to live as a secret my whole life. My heart is being filled with something I still don’t know and it’s not related to love,on the contrary it’s more bitterness and self loathing; perhaps because my mind is now convinced that I’ve put myself on a nowhere-to-go way where I’ve got nothing to seek and struggle reaching the finish line for but my bare feelings which could be based on my vivid imagination or someone else’s empathy or fear that I’d get my heart broken when I actually believe that I wouldn’t because I didn’t take my attachment bills to say “I can’t live without something” instead I think the statement should be more explicit about the real definitions of love and life which could be corrected into “I can live without something,but I don’t want to” It’s only a choice and decision after all , I don’t know if I could wait years and then find out that it was for nothing and as I said imaginary thoughts , I was originally where I am now for me taking a decision before to jump the cliff, put an end to my half measures-or as Bukowski says”if you’re going to try,go all the way, otherwise don’t even start”- and finally open the Schroedinger’s box where I’m now stuck.
It could be me being the king of the drama queens and at the same time I could be terribly suffering; I no longer know and what I fear I no longer care ending up in a place made for people who lost their minds for living on a promise never been made or…
I hope you understand my friend,I know you would.
By the way my sweet friend , I’m having an old mate soon for a couple-of-days stay and maybe I’ll visit him next week if I changed my mind.
Best regards and lots of love,
Yours,
Not Charlie.
“It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done!”

Approaching The Unknown 1

My hands aren’t so accustomed to type on my phone keypad since I’ve been writing only on my laptop for the last year and I really don’t like texting -my research partner would disagree though, but what could I possibly do as whenever I sit in front of my study desk I can’t help myself not to google debates about things I don’t really care about right now or watch celebrities interviews when I really think they’re all silly and somehow not intellectual in real life but there’s always something pushes me into procrastinating ,which ends up as our beloved David Gilmour says in “frittering and wasting the hours in an offhand way” . But honestly I gain a lot online without doing any physical work; I mean one doesn’t discover better music,books and movies just like that. Speaking of movies I watched Approaching The Unknown like three months ago (it was 3 weeks before I edited it as I didn’t write the following for months) and it’s still stuck in my less-capable-of-moving-on mind as the theoretical exam I had two weeks ago (it was “yesterday” also edited) but couldn’t celebrate that I most likely would pass it and (I passed it and by the way I’m one of three persons who did it.YAY!) the very other thing I read that same day because someone in Turkey was not happy about being in a safe developed country and wanted to change it to be his kind of state but fortunately he didn’t plan it well so….
Back to the movie,it was pretty different than any other movie about space or based on sci-fi screenplay/novel; the confusing kind of different.I mean look how peaceful and calm it is in space,nobody to talk to (except Houston though),nothing to be terrified of (you’re in space,there ain’t humans there and I’m quite sure any alien would ignore your ship),and there is food,just by yourself .
Is this serenity ? no,it’s salvation.How come? I mean he *spoiler alert* left his spacecraft to a place where he knew he’ll be totally alone and maybe dead very soon (wait! we’ll be dead soon too) to face not his fear of death but his eager need to know and explore more ,the so called Curiosity .
It is what made us evolve for millions of years from a single cell to billions of species and now it is what kills us.One could argue that we could change our fate or in another way control the universe  and that is often linked to us having a free will but it was scientifically discredited,our minds tells us that they don’t control themselves or in conclusion that we don’t have free will,ironic right ? accept that.
Back again to the movie and let’s try to focus on the trip itself not the purpose or the end of it .What would you do during weeks or maybe months on a trip to a place where not a single living matter lived ? would you talk to your friends before taking off or just check-in on facebook when you land ? would you send your loved ones a text every day or like me would you rather send her (because let’s face it there is only one) a handwritten message and put it in a mail or slip it under her apartment door then ring the doorbell and run ? and if your answer is yes ,what will you write ? just sad missing words ? or I’ll-get-back promises ? or probably you’d prefer talk about weird funny things you want to share for the last time; something like you think that Quicksilver(in X-men not Avengers) is way cooler than the Flash and that Home (the documentary film not Jim Parsons’ movie) is pretty much the best non-political documentary you’ve ever seen and you’ve seen a lot or some ridiculous facts for instance that you’ll keep stalking her everywhere even on Mars even after you told her you love her because you simply can’t get her out of your head or you’d go for a known devastating and intimidating confession as she being the only human being who is overwhelmingly beautiful .
Or eventually you won’t send anyone anything because you still think they already know .
Or maybe you won’t go on a trip to Mars or anywhere else and stay .
Home” part of OST”